detoxified Ashley

May 22, 2006

I had an Ashley Olsen moment, one morning, cooling myself with a glass of iced blended mango cream and a slice of chewy orgasmic chocolate brownie at CBTL Salcedo with my friend Chesca. I’ve always these moment when I feel like not dressing up for work, my usual Monday dilemma, shower – shave – pull whatever’s available – splash then zoom. Immaculate white plaid tartans with a hint of azure, indigo jeans and a pair of trainers paired with my ever handy leather bag with all my daily provisions. I feel totally drab like one healthy raccoon with some excess baggage around my plasmas – I mean, check out my eye bags. Sometimes I feel like poking my entire body with tubes to deflate myself, detoxify myself with weight lost claiming Chinese herbal tea and pills that would perk me up like bi-polar Bonzo’s. Chesca on the other hand looked stunning

PS

Sauna belts don’t work, firming gels are crazy – ginger sliming lotions gave me blisters, I still am addicted to starving myself, just a mouthful of Japanese cakes on Sundays and a piece of banana to help me distress while enjoying solitude somewhere inside my four walled kingdom – my bathroom.

journal entry

12:01 AM – June 14, 2006 / journal entry
Inside my room


Eight hours sitting in front of the computer, body – idle, an empty cubicle beside me, hand sanitizer dripping from its broken container. These are the everyday occurrences that fascinated me to just contemplate on how things are going everyday. I mean, I have been wasting a lot of useless minutes aside from work doing stuff I should not really be doing like origami, unnecessary paper cut outs just to pass inoperative time, it is plain worthless when I could have done something more important than just amusing myself.

The past week of inactivity - yeah, I even had no time to update my journal due to stress and incorrect financial management – I decided to walk a few kilometers from my office to Salcedo Village for three straight days and maybe take the cab or have someone pick me up from there on my way home. It was the right moment to for me to spend some quality quiet time with the Lord while enjoying the cool breeze at Velasquez Park. Early morning dew drop – I came across an amazing realization while walking.

I am filled with hope, it is insane! I could not believe I am damn content with my life despite life hurdle. He overflowed me with the fruit of the spirit. Godliness in contentment is a great gain ( 1 Timothy 6:6-8). Be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee ( Hebrews 13:5). It is just to amazing how I have come alive after all these years.

“Do not ask yourself what the world need; ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world need are people who have come alive.”

The missed opportunities I encountered made me stronger and intensified my relationship with God. “Everything we are given and everything we are deprived of is nothing but a finger pointing out of the directions of God’s hidden promise which we shall face in full.” It thrills Him most when we acknowledge Him as our perfect gift and contain His love, for these are the gifts that endure. Keep traveling steadily along [the Lord’s] pathway and in due season he will honor you with his blessing ( Psalm 37:34). Everything in life is a blessing – live life in victory.

Naïve compulsions and micro organisms at three – knock me dead!

What a crazy week. Just shoot me now. Please! Take me out back and put me out of my misery. Yes, yes, a .45 will be fine. Thank you.

I’m being sought after wanting to get a piece of my flesh and in due course might just plonk me floating dead along Pasig river - wrapped in plastic.

Avoiding contacts from people ( which I find quite stupid), who wants to get ripped anyway? As much as possible, I’d not want to identify anyone for this. Knock me off, I am above suspicion! It takes a lot of sacrifice to do this – avoiding someone , sigh.

Good lord

Bang my head against the wall for a while.

Current music: silence. Yes. I so deserve it. Nine and a half hours yesterday, nine and a half today. 19 hours this weekend. Shoot me. Please.

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You who wants to kaploon me - I really don't think ill of you.

You're a complex kid, but you need to know that representing yourself to
yourself is fraught with paradox. Saying what you don't mean means something;
saying what you mean means something. I won't pretend to have the ability to
sort that out for you.

Perhaps you world is too small for you, too parochial (no pun intended).
When you go to a larger, other place you'll see you have loyal compatriots.

The problem lies in the intellectualization (a word??) of things: knowing
what you mean and don't mean and saying that you know what you mean and don't mean. There is the third part, too, where you subconsciously know what you mean and say otherwise thinking that you actually said what you meant.
Utterly mind-boggling.

I don't get it. But I get what you say: that perception is just that: how one
perceives something; you can't change other people's perceptions if you want
to change how they perceive them. (I think...) That's taking everything at
the sociological level instead of the psychological level if you do. You
said: "you're a complex kid"...the thing is, human beings are by nature
complex, yet not all of them (not even many or a few of them) understand
their own complexity-which I think happens to a select few when they (or
shortly before they) die. By that philosophy, there's one caveat: death and
complete enlightenment go hand in hand. An awful catch, really. But it's
not like I believe in that as far as a practice, merely an idea.

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Despite all the compulsion, I still rewarded myself with a nice Carbon bag – amazing! And some stuff I got from Jo ( Joyce Orena ) at Greenbelt one lazy morning. Hugs myself!

MY ART

( L-R , TOP Practice sketch / vintage top - Ink on Paper , practice sketch 2 - Ink on construction paper, Crayola on Styro BOTTOM Watercolor on Paper, Black and White Photos 1 & 2 )

( L-R , TOP Pagpukaw - Ink , watercolor, charcoal on Paper , practice sketch 2 - Ink on construction paper BOTTOM craypas on board Paper - entree )