June 06, 2008


Mood: Destracted, annoyed, sad but trying my best to smile

All my life, I've honed a talent for being able to push through situations even while surrounded by multiple and varied distractions. I don't get easily thrown off course when I'm goal-forward, and I try to apply that skill to every day at work, and while doing projects at home, etc. However, I find that I am incredibly distracted by my playful imagination.

It's unbelievably bizarre, on the one hand, to think that I should push through my work day, undeterred, unaffected by the constant little reminders of this nearly supernatural thing that is happening inside of me. And, yet, I also know how unprofessional it is to let my thoughts wander off with each kick, or to constantly point out to co-workers the sensations I'm feeling. They don't really care---they smile gently, but are really pretty uninterested in the whole thing, as is natural since they're not the ones feeling what I'm feeling. So, throughout the day, I have to train myself to contain my joy, contain my wonder and continue through a professional work-day. It's so much more difficult to keep my happiness to myself when I’m out with friends, but I strive to do it there, too, to keep from becoming "The Annoying Self-Centered male b*tch who can't stop talking about his panic attacks." I was out with my friend just last week, and my mind was practically earning my minds blackbelt, and it took every bit of willpower within me to keep from slapping my hands on the table and shouting, "stop!

Instead, I vent all my glee to myself, scribbled every minute of the day with each kick I feel, and each new annoying revelation. him.
I struggle to pretend that all of this is really nothing, just commonplace, so totally ordinary, so not-worth-mentioning. But, my mind is sending such welcome, strong messages to me---constant reminders of such existence, annoying agendas, all of which are constant points of relief for my worried mind. With each persistent kick I hear, "All is well. All is well."

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